Wednesday
I have to leave in 20 min. to pick up the kids from
school. Ellie, with her escalating
behaviors, causes me to dread this event
every day. I’d keep her there all day and
night long, if I could. More on that
later…
Lizzie has been home sick since last Sat. I took her in for a strep test on Monday –
negative. But now she’s been throwing up
since last night. It’s a weird
sickness. Some sort of virus, I
guess. I worked all last week (associate
subbing) and one day I had to leave early because Ellie was sporting a 102 temp
at school. She stayed home one day and
was just fine. Lizzie hasn’t had a temp
yet, so I don’t think hers are the same germs.
Guess who is now an officially licensed substitute
teacher? And guess who has her first sub
job next Monday afternoon?
This is how it happened.
Well, I went back to college…😊 I’ll speed it up a bit! I was getting antsy about my license not
arriving, even though I knew it was supposed to take 6-8 weeks after
submission. So a couple of Saturday
nights ago, when I was 3 or 4 weeks into the waiting process, I went through my
paperwork to see if there was anything I
missed. I found a note suggesting I keep
an eye on my Spam folder because often
mail from the Dept. of Ed goes there. To
my horror, when I checked my Spam folder, I found an email asking me to re-submit
my transcript. This had been sitting
there for almost a month. Not only that,
but there was a warning in the email that if everything was not processed by
Oct. 12, a few days away, I would have to start the submission process over and
repay the $163 submission fee. I
immediately re-submitted the transcripts and emailed the head of the dept. and
then was majorly bummed because now it would be another 6-8 weeks of waiting because my own idiocy in not checking
my Spam folder. So I began to pray that
God would move mountains and I would have that license in only a week. There was no reason for that to happen, but I’ve
seen God do great things before, and I knew it couldn’t hurt to ask. I prayed and prayed and prayed all weekend
long.
Guess what was in my In box first thing Monday morning?
And then, this part is kind of cool, too: So, I had agreed
to work all week long in the Level 3 room at the school. First thing on Monday, I waltzed down to the
superintendent’s office with my transcript and license. The secretary assured me that she would
inform the school secretaries that I was now on the list of teacher subs and to
take my name off the associate sub list.
Later in the week I happened to be down by her office and noticed a sign
hanging on the door informing people that the secretary was out of the office from
Tuesday through Friday. If I had not
gotten my license on Monday morning then I could not have dropped it off that
day. And if I had not dropped it off
that day then it would have been another week before I would have been on the sub
list.
And within a couple days I was feeling anxious
again. What if the superintendent’s
secretary didn’t send out the email like she said she would? So I started praying that I would get a sub
call by Friday – just so I knew for sure I was in the system. I got one Thursday to work a half day in Sam’s
class next week. Unfortunately for me, it
wasn’t until I happily informed Sam of this good news that I discovered that I
will be teaching 5th and 6th grade math. I’m not so sure I can do that! But getting that kind of answer to prayer was
a blessing. God didn’t owe me any favors
but He let me have this one, just the same.
Since then I’ve been asked to cover Monday afternoon for
a special ed. teacher in the middle school, too. That day is Sam’s birthday so I’m going to
eat lunch with him like I always do and then dash across the street to start
working. The secretary who called me was
so nice. I told her that I really wanted
to accept the job but I always eat with my kids on their birthdays. So she called over to the elementary to find
out what time Sam would eat lunch and then texted me back to tell me that we
could make both work and for me to take my time with his lunch and just come
when I can.
I’m going to see how the jobs start to stack up once I
get some sub jobs under my belt. If I’m
not getting enough work then I’ll decide by Christmas if I should also put my
name on some lists at other area schools.
I think I could still make it work with getting the kids to school. I wouldn’t be able to accept last minute jobs
at other schools, I don’t think, but if I knew in advance that I was needed
then I could make arrangements for them to be picked up by the school bus.
**************************
Sam is taking trombone lessons through the school. Wow…that is creating some unpleasant
listening on the home front! I’m paying
$37 a month to rent his trombone and then I’ll have the opportunity to buy the
instrument, with the payments applied to the price at the end of the school
year. I don’t know yet on that. I’m going to have our church music director
check out the trombone to see if he thinks it’s worth shelling out the money
for it. And, I guess I need to see if
this is something that Sam is really going to put the effort into or if the
enthusiasm will wane as the practices increase.
Lizzie is already talking about taking flute lessons next year. Sigh…it’s a good thing, but it’s an expensive
thing. Of course, if they weren’t in
school I’d have the cost of lessons, which would easily run $50 a month, plus
the cost of the instrument, so I’m coming out ahead by doing this through the
school. I will have to keep reminding
myself of that fact.
**********************
Thank you, Lord!
**********************
Last week was a
rough week. I mentioned that I worked
all week. It was in the Level 3 room,
which really is never a problem for me.
I like all the teenage young men in there. The one I was with I have worked with
before. He is on the autism spectrum and
has some other disorders as well and like most on the spectrum, needs his stability. Going a week without his regular one-on-one
was hard on him. So I was not too surprised when Thursday, he did not respond
well to me taking away his ipad (when he refused to give it up when asked to do
some schoolwork). The next thing I knew
he was cursing me out and then he took off his shoes and threw them at me. It wasn’t completely unexpected, but still
unpleasant. And then in the middle of his tantrum his nose started bleeding so
I was trying to clean him up from that while he continued to call me bad
names. We had a slightly less dramatic
version of the same events on Friday.
Sigh…I don’t care if it is a mentally impaired person – it’s still not
nice to be sworn at.
So that was happening.
And so was Ellie. The week before
last I was incredibly touched when I found out that my pastor and his wife were
not content to simply tell me they supported me and were praying for me as I
deal with Ellie. Instead, they began to
do some research on RAD and in their research they found a book for me
entitled, Parenting the Difficult Child – a Biblical
Perspective on Reactive Attachment Disorder. It’s written by an adoptive
mom.
My pastor’s wife began reading it
to see if it was sound and within a couple of days she was taking pictures of
the pages and emailing them to me. I got
so excited that I almost immediately ordered the book.
I’ve been going through it slowly and I don’t think there
is a paragraph in the book that I haven’t highlighted something. The message I am reading is resounding with
me and is profoundly changing my perspective on the disorder. What I have read and what I have been taught
by the girls’ counselor is that RAD is a mental disorder caused by early trauma. There is no cure. There is simply learning to manage it and accepting
that the neural pathways in the girls’ brains do not work the same as other
children’s. Essentially, the girls are
handicapped. I’ve accepted that to a certain degree because that’s all I’ve
ever heard. But I’ve been puzzled
because I have seen the power of the Holy Spirit in Lizzie’s life. She has been a changed girl since her
salvation 4 years ago. That’s not to say
she doesn’t struggle with different things, because she does, and they may be
trauma-related. But if her brain was not
capable of working right, how could this
change have occurred?
It’s because RAD is not a mental disorder. It is a heart problem. The author identifies the root of RAD as that
of anger, which makes complete sense
to me. The book is filled with
Scripture. One of the things I asked my
pastor was where in the Bible does it talk about the RAD child? I know everything we need to know for life is
in those pages, but I have been flummoxed as I have sought answers for
this. Well, they’re there and I am learning
them as I am going through this book.
I’m not finished yet, but I am slowly gaining ideas for
working with Ellie. I plan to go back through the book and come up with some
sort of devotional plan for all 3 kids where we’ll cover the verses, biblical
stories, and applied principles that this author lays out. She has all sorts of put off/put on charts in
the books that I may re-type and hang up
around the house. It also occurred to me
that an angry heart does not leave any
room for gratefulness, so today I ordered an easel pad and my plan is to have
the kids write down something they are grateful for each time we meet for these
devotions. It may be, too, as I get to
the end of the book I may find the author does lay out more of a step-by-step
plan for implementing these principles with the RAD child.
Essentially, I have to immerse Ellie into the Word of God
for the next decade that I have her. Nothing
is guaranteed, of course. But if she
does become a prodigal, she’ll know how to find her way back.
Like I said, it’s been so tough. A week ago Sunday night Ellie did attempt to
stab Lizzie with a steak knife. She ended
up just slicing Lizzie’s finger, but
that was incredibly scary to me. A few
nights later I was at a city council meeting when I received a text that read, “This
is Lizzie.” Right away, I knew it wasn’t Lizzie because Lizzie texts me all the
time on the home phone and she never begins her texts that way. It was followed by the most filthy, dirty
name calling I’ve ever heard come out of any of my kids’ mouths (or fingers, in
this case). I left the meeting, went
home and dealt with her, and made her come back to the meeting with me and sit
in the corner of City Hall – nose to the wall.
I’m sure the mayor and council members were convinced I had lost
it. But I was so hurt and so angry with
that girl.
It’s been almost a week now and she still refuses to
apologize. She is never remorseful about
anything.
I’ve also noticed an increase in tantrums from her. This is actually pretty new. For example, yesterday I asked Sam and Ellie
to bring in the groceries form the van.
Well, Ellie stood there with a bag of Cheetos, calmly eating, and Sam
had finally enough. He took the Cheetos
from his sister and told her he’d give them back after the work was done. You would have thought he’d just tried to break
her kneecaps. Ellie threw a fit that
would made any 18 month old proud, complete with extended shrieking, crying,
and nose running. The only word I could
think of was, “primal” as I observed this.
She was SO angry. There’s been a couple of incidents like this in recent weeks.
And then today, as I walking through the school hallways
after dropping the kids off, Ellie’s teacher caught me and asked if we could
talk. She expressed concerns about some “sneakiness” and she said
even some defiance she is starting to observe in my girl. She asked if I was seeing these things. I may have laughed, but not in a ha-ha
way. Ellie’s leaking. The icky heart stuff she has been careful to
only show us is beginning to ooze out at school. I hope she gets nailed there. I mean, I don’t because I still want to
protect her, but I am so tired of doing this alone, too. I got out to my van and cried all the way
home.
I did have to kind of laugh, though, recently, when Sam
volunteered to pray at suppertime. He
thanked God for the food and then, to my surprise, he prayed, “I pray you would
fix Ellie’s heart.” Sam paused for a
moment or two and then added, “Because, God – she’s just rotten!”
Besides this new book, I do have a lead on someone here
in the state that may be able to help Ellie.
I first saw my new counselor three weeks ago and she had mentioned this
person and then I saw her again this past Monday. We spent most of the hour talking about Ellie
because that is what is most pressing on my heart at the moment and my counselor
mentioned this other lady again.
This time she told me her name
and that caught my attention because it is the same last name as one of Will’s
best friends. In fact, this young man
has been in our home numerous times and he was a groomsman in the wedding. So, when I left my session (which was very
good and helpful) I texted Will and asked, “What’s Matt’s mom’s name?” I about
fell over when he replied, “Sydney.” It’s
the same woman as my counselor was recommending. I’ve known her son for years and had no idea
his mother works with troubled children.
When I got home I looked her up on Facebook and she just got an advanced
degree from Faith this past year. She
just wrote a book on domestic abuse, too, that came out last month. Will said, “Yeah, she knows all about our
family!” I doubt she knows Ellie is
trying to kill us, but wow! So, I think
I’m going to have my counselor make the initial contact and Will said he could
set me up on Skype so I could talk with this lady. And maybe she will be a source of help,
too. It seems too coincidental to think
she would not be.
I don’t want my blog to turn into the Ellie Channel. There is more in my life besides her. Neither am I going to let her steal my
joy. I found myself convicted last week
that I am getting to that point where I am so consumed by her bad behavior that
it colors my perspective on my life in general.
She may never, ever change and I’m not willing to sacrifice my enjoyment
of life because of that. I must learn to
live joyfully in spite of her negativity.
Thursday
After I wrote all this last night I happened to see a
post in my Facebook RAD group. This is
the only RAD group I am part of any longer because it is the only group that
seems to offer shreds of hope. But even
those moms get pretty worn down. Oh,
side note: I read a news story just this
morning about an adoptive mom in S. Carolina or Florida – somewhere south of here
– who murdered all 4 of her adopted children and then took her own life
recently. Such a tragedy. I know
what was happening in that home. Ok, so anyway, last night a mom posted about
her inability to touch, hug, and show affection to her Radlet. I totally understand that, as did a number of
other mothers who chimed in. But then
one woman piped up and her situation is a little different. She was a RAD child and says that while she
still has to fight those urges from her childhood, she is healed today as an
adult and is actually a child psychiatrist now.
She begged all of us moms to “fake it until we make it.” She said the child will do everything in his
power to create chaos and hurt family members, but deep down, he is craving
that physical affection. At the same
time, there is a perverse desire to see just how bad he can be and have his
mother still reach out to hug
him. I’m going to take those words to
heart.
Of course, it’s easier right now while she’s at school
and I am sitting in my quiet house with the sun peacefully streaming through
the windows. Nobody is swearing at me,
nobody is hurting their siblings, or refusing to do her chores, or
whining, or destroying things. The real test of this comes later.
This morning when I walked the kids into school I got
stopped by the mother of the student I worked with last week (shoe
thrower). She had heard about her son’s
behavior and wanted to apologize. I
assured her all was fine, but felt bad for her.
I can kind of empathize with her.
**********************
So I did my monthly grocery shopping this week. I needed more spaghetti sauce and boy, was my
hand trembling as I reached for those jars this time! This was a better month for spaghetti sauce,
thankfully! But I did notice that Aldis
was selling pumpkin flavored
spaghetti sauce. Eww! And Walmart had pumpkin flavored corn
flakes. Again – no! I like pumpkin. I even made two pumpkin pies last
weekend. Ben decided he needed to take
half of one back to his house, but we’ve been enjoying what he left. But there are limits to what should be
pumpkin flavored. Cornflakes and spaghetti sauce fall firmly outside those limits!
***********************
I had a migraine Sunday.
This was probably the worst one I’ve had since high school. I am dead serious. It was so bad I wanted to beat my head into
the wall. It was accompanied by the
mother of all hot flashes (it was 65 in my house and I was suddenly dripping with
sweat). The two were obviously connected and obviously hormonal in nature. All I could do was stay in bed and keep
popping my migraine pills. After about 4
of those and by mid afternoon I was gradually starting to feel a little more
human. I wonder why such suffering is
necessary for the young body to dry up and turn old? Why can’t the transition be seamless
instead? Probably part of the Curse, I
guess. I think I am going to make an appt
with my gynecologist. I don’t need her
messing around with my lady parts (although she’ll probably insist on that) but
I’d like some tips on managing this transition.
My counselor is highly suggesting I do this. It was funny.
She said, “I can give you the name of a really wonderful dr here in
town!” – and it was my dr I’ve seen since I was pregnant with Sam!
So, yeah, last week was a tougher week. But then on Saturday, the mail came and a
package for me arrived. I was mystified
because I had not ordered anything. If
Ellie was older I might have held it up to listen for ticking noises first… But
a tag identified it as coming from Single Parent Provision. Inside were all kinds of goodies – candy, a
mug, decorations, bath stuff, and a card that read, “You are loved.” I had no idea that organization did this kind
of thing. God knew exactly what I needed
when I needed it.
And that’s what I wrote about this week. My pastor asked me to write something for the
Nov. church newsletter. The obvious
subject is thankfulness, but my mind kept going to this subject of God’s
goodness. And that’s what I ended up
writing about. God is good when we don’t
understand, when things aren’t fair, when others sin against us. He is good because He can only be good and
therefore everything that comes into our life is for our good, too -
even menopause and Reactive Attachment Disorder.
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