Thanksgiving Eve…My whole day kind of got turned
around. I was supposed to be having a
meeting right about now for Ben. I also
had some different errands I needed to run (one being to return the bagged
lettuce I bought yesterday since, you
know – e coli). And I have a lot of
cooking to do. But then the meeting got
cancelled because the printer at their office wouldn’t work. So I went to town and got the errands out of
the way and I find that suddenly, I have more time than I thought I would. So – I can blog! And fold laundry, get pictures put away, take
care of the ever-increasing to-do list, order some Christmas gifts, figure out
Christmas baking, start addressing Christmas cards…all those kind of
things. But mostly, I’d like to blog.
So yesterday was my presentation in the class at Faith. I was trembling as I walked into the
building, but you know, as soon as I got into the classroom and started
teaching, it all went away. The
professor immediately put me at ease and even prayed with me before the
students ever arrived. It helped ,too,
when I walked in and the lady at the front desk said, “Oh, you’re Sarah Heywood – I love your writings!” Huh. I
always forget that I have stuff out there that sometimes people actually
read. I went through the presentation
and I was able to speak for close to an hour.
Afterwards, the professor thanked me and told me that what I did was
exactly what she was hoping for and if she teaches this class again next year
she’d like for me to come back. So all
that preparation and all those nerves were really worth it. Good things continue to come out of Paul’s
death.
********************
I’ve got new glasses now.
But still, as I type this, my screen is magnified 170%. Yeah, I’m still adjusting to the new
prescription. Actually, I’m going back
to the eye dr. next Wed to double check the prescription. I’ve already been back to the eyeglass place
and they verified that they did make them according to the new
prescription. They said if the dr made a
mistake they will remake the glasses for free for me. So, we shall see. But I could not believe what a haze I had
been peering through until I tried on the glasses for the first time. Driving home, I could suddenly see all these
spots on my windshield that I had not been able to see before! Those glasses were awful! So I had to stop for a car wash on my way home and even
after that, I had to still scrub the inside and outside of my windshield before
I got rid of all the spots to my satisfaction!
************************
I just found out my monthly electric bill (budget plan) is
shooting up $30 a month for the next year.
I can’t see that I am using any more electricity than I have in the
past, though. I wonder if rates
jumped. Anyway – ugh!
***********************
The kids’ Christmas program at school is in a couple of
weeks. Sam and Lizzie tried out for
speaking parts and both got them. And
then yesterday Ellie came home announcing that the music teacher also gave her
a speaking part. So now I have 3 kids
that need help memorizing lines! And,
also – costumes. I remember grouching
about this last year on my blog. It used
to be that for the school program, the kids wore their nicest clothing and that
was kind of a neat thing because they all looked so adorable and it was a
switch from the normal jeans and sweatshirts they normally see each other
in. But this new teacher they hired a
few years ago is into costumes for Christmas.
So, I’m having to dress Sam up like a nutcracker soldier (he was pretty
excited when he found out he had to dress like a soldier…until I showed him a
picture of a nutcracker!), Lizzie as a reindeer, and Ellie as a forest animal
(we’re going with black bear because she already has black leggings and boots
and all I had to buy her was a black sweater).
The teacher stresses to parents
that she doesn’t want them to feel like they have to buy anything for the
costumes…because, you know, every household just happens to have spare
nutcracker, reindeer, and forest creature costumes lying around! SO irritating to me…especially after I spent
$70 on Amazon, at Nobbies, and Hobby Lobby buying the things needed to
transform them. I cannot wait until they are all in middle school
and done with these silly Christmas programs!
I am pretty proud of Sam, though, for trying out for one of
the speaking parts. With his stuttering,
it would have been so easy for him to not want to try. As it is, I informed his music teacher this
week that we will be modifying one of his lines because it starts with the
letter “s” and it’s nearly impossible for him to get that sound out when it’s
at the beginning of a word (I should have named him Harry or Orwell or
Theodore or something – anything other than Sam with an S!).
Speaking of his stuttering…we had parent teacher conferences
last week. All 3 are doing great – very
high scores all around. Lizzie’s teacher told me that Lizzie has the most
Reading Counts books in the class (the kids read books, take tests on them, and
then are awarded points that they earn parties with – I have a real problem
with bribing kids to read, but nobody asked me). This just slays me because at home when I
tell her to read a book she acts like I asked her to saw a finger off with a
butter knife! Anyway, I asked Sam’s teacher if he had been
following Sam’s 504 plan which allows for him to test reading fluency silently
rather than by reading out loud. The
teacher looked a little sheepish and told me had no idea Sam was on a 504 until
just the week before when he found the plan buried underneath a stack of papers
on his desk! But then all 3 of us got
into a really interesting conversation about Stalin and so I decided to forgive
him because it appears he likes history as much as Sam and I do. And this
teacher said that he’s not a big fan of fluency scores anyway and I wholeheartedly agree with that. He is the first teacher I’ve encountered at
that school to admit to something like that.
Speed is a good skill to have, particularly when one gets to higher
level academics, but it’s not entirely needed, either. Comprehension is the most important skill.
**********************
We had a student killed yesterday after school. I didn’t know him. But he was 17 years old – driving too fast on
a country road outside Pville and hit a bit of ice and went into the
ditch. No seatbelt and he was thrown
through the window. So sad and so
unnecessary (I ended up going to coffee with a teacher friend a few days later and she told me that this student had kind of a rough home life and that his mother actually just died last spring).
***********************
Ben is moving.
Definitely was NOT part of my agenda for this month. About a week ago he had called me telling me
there was an opening at another one of the Optimae house and he wanted to move
there. I was not about to move him again
and I told him no, I thought he should stay at his current place for at least a
year and then we could talk about it. He
wasn’t happy about that but finally acquiesced.
Well, then Tuesday night of this week I got a call from the director of
Optimae. She told me that they have a
situation of having too many openings and not enough clients and so they have
decided to combine two of their houses and temporarily shut down Ben’s current
home, until the need would rise again for two separate houses. It’s a money saving thing and I get
that. So Ben called me yesterday and
asked if I had heard the news. Rather
than being excited, though, he seemed apprehensive and he finally said, “It’s
because, before, I wanted to make the decision but now they’re making the
decision for me!” I thought that was rather astute of him. Today, the director
of Ben’s current house called me to talk some more and she said both Ben and
his current roommate, who also is on the spectrum, are experiencing times of
real anxiety over this move. Well, I can
imagine – change is always hard.
Because of that, they’re going to double up on staff the first week to make
the transition easier. So, this will all
happen next Thurs. They have a moving
company that will do the actual moving work.
I have to work that day but after I get done I’m going to head down to
the new place and help Ben set up his bedroom.
In the long run, I think this will be a good thing. It’s a larger home, there will be 5 guys
living there, including one that was temporarily living at Ben’s house for a
few weeks this fall. He has two cats and
Ben just adored those animals, so that’s a good thing. Ben will have the same staff that he always
has had. And rent will be a little bit
cheaper for Ben, I’ve been told. Plus, Ben will have the backyard he’s been
wanting and since there are some fields nearby, there should be less traffic
noise. Ben has had a hard time adjusting
to that at his current place. I will just have to remind Ben how he moved in
August, knowing nobody at all, and how well things turned out. Change is never easy, though.
************************
I am still seeing my counselor – and absolutely loving it. This last time we talked about Paul’s
family. It was good timing because I had
previously told the doctor that I would like to discuss this – specifically,
why it is I react so strongly physically, still, to attacks by them. And then, about 2 weeks ago, before we met again, Paul’s sister,
very weirdly, but normal for her, jumped all over me on-line. It was the same old, same old stuff – I’m
terrible, all I want to do is hurt their family, I’m lying to my children, etc,
etc. I never respond, of course. She’s
the “angry dog” referred to in Proverbs.
But, I was really hurt when Paul’s aunt, whom I have been FB friends
with for years, sent me a private message later that day, telling me, “Shame on
you!” and berating me for not letting her sister (Paul’s mom) see her own grandchildren. That was wrong for her to do that and after
talking with Will, I did respond with a brief message, giving a vague
explanation for what had happened. She
responded, “Well, it’s the children who
get hurt. I just pray you can work it
out.” I left it at that. I did tell David about it later and he
responded, “I don’t think I’m hurting!”
But anyway, back to the therapist: we had a good session on what
forgiveness is and what it is not. I was
delighted to see that her thoughts echo what I have come to in my own
mind. And better yet, she had Scripture
to back up these same thoughts. I have been on the right track all along
about this situation. Forgiveness does
NOT happen until the other person asks for it.
But as Christians, we need to get to a point where A) We are willing to
forgive should the other person ask and B) We do not allow the situation to
fester in our hearts because that leads to bitterness and hurts ourselves and
our relationship with God. I’m going to
journal on this more for her before I see her again in a couple of weeks.
The doctor also told me that she looks forward to my visits
and says she finds them, “invigorating.”
I think that’s a good thing!
I find that I am developing a strong interest in the field
of counseling. In fact, it was a major I
briefly considered when I was figuring out how I wanted to finish my
degree. I am not saying I am going back
for my Masters any time soon. I don’t
feel that’s something I can pursue until Ellie is grown and gone. My kids had to sacrifice enough the last few
years. I don’t even know that I will
ever get my Masters, but it’s something I
do find myself thinking about from time to time. But anyway, if I were to become a counselor,
I think I might get frustrated with my patients. I mean, how do you counsel someone who just
needs to fully surrender their lives, desires, and problems to the Lord – but
refuses to do that? I think you would be
so limited in what you could do for them.
And then when their problems do not get better they’re naturally going
to assume it’s because you are
failing them as a therapist. Someday,
though, I’d love to go to this week-long conference that’s held every year out
in Indiana or maybe Ohio – I’m not sure.
It’s a conference for what used to be called “nouthetic”
counseling. I don’t remember its new
name. But I think that is something I
could really learn from.
A week later…
Because our internet was down for FIVE ENTIRE DAYS…my world
just about ended, let me tell you. And
it was over black Friday shopping time, too! Ugh and ugh.
It must be the season for repairmen. The internet guy came Monday. I have a guy from Geek Squad coming out today
– any minute now, actually – to figure out why my dishes are coming out of the
dishwasher dirtier than when I put them in.
And I have a service guy from Wyckoff coming out to do a furnace check
later this afternoon. That one makes me
kind of sad. My furnace is fine, but I
haven’t had it checked out in about 4 years and something is telling me I had
better do it this year. I was having an
old-co-worker of Paul’s do it but it’s so hard to arrange things with his
schedule and then I have to sit and listen to his wife who is an unsaved,
outspoken liberal while he checks, so I finally just decided to sign up with a
local heating and air company and pay for them to come out twice a year and
check things over. It makes me sad,
though, even after all this time because that’s something Paul used to take
care of. And when we had a part go down,
he usually had something on his truck to take care of it. Sigh…
*********************
I had my eyes double checked again this morning by the eye
dr. No, I’m still testing the way I did a couple of weeks ago with him. The glasses people swear they made the
glasses the way the prescription said to…so, I guess I’m stuck until my eyes
adjust. The dr. did say that because my
astigmatism is so high in my left eye it will probably always feel like it is
having to work harder (people with “normal” astigmatisms have a measurement of
around -50 – mine is a -4.75). And, I can see a little better now. I’ve noticed I’m able to read magazines
again, which is something I could not do for several months. I did ask about
lasik surgery and he said it might be possible to get approved for that, even
with the astigmatism. But I don’t
know. It would be $4000 and the dr said
I would still need reading glasses even after that simply because I’m old and getting
older all the time. And the thought of
having my eyes operated on makes me a little nervous, too. So, I don’t know. Something to ponder, I guess.
***********************
I am working three days this week – after all these weeks of
not getting enough jobs. Yesterday, I
subbed for the first time at Knoxville H.S.
Wow – what a change from Pville.
It’s so big! But yet, I know for
a fact that Pville has quite a few Kville kids coming up for school. So big must not necessarily mean better. I was asked to fill in in the morning for the
choir teacher and in the afternoon for the band teacher. I actually had quite a bit of free time
during the day, so it was good that I brought my kindle (esp. once I figured
out the school’s wi-fi blocks Facebook).
Never mind that my gift to humanity is not singing publicly and I
certainly know nothing about instruments! The only truly difficult part of my day was
the concert choir. The teacher had left zero
notes on her extremely messy desk so I was left wondering just what I was
supposed to do with this choir that was scheduled to come to my room. As it turned out, the accompanist showed up
and informed me that the choir was to watch a past musical performance put on
by the school. I think drama and music
are really big at Kville. They even have
a special door outside proclaiming the entrance to their “event center.”
The kids picked “Beauty and the Beast” but none of them actually watched
it. First, I needed someone to volunteer
their laptop to run the movie and I could not get anyone to do that. That made me cranky. Finally, a teenage girl reluctantly gave
hers up. There were 70 kids in this room and not a one of them wanted to sit
down, shut up, and watch the video. I
finally stopped the video and informed them that they would be finding an unoccupied chair to sit on and I expected to hear nothing
above a whisper. The thing is – I had
nothing with which to threaten them. I
couldn’t even take names because I didn’t know them. Of course, they kept getting louder and
louder. I finally gave up shushing them
and just prayed for a quick end to the hour and a half block. The nice thing
about school music rooms is that they are usually sound proofed so at least
teachers in the halls don’t know you don’t have control over classroom!
It was absolutely freezing in the band room. I ended up keeping my coat on. Towards the end of the day I happened to
glance at the locked thermostat and saw that it was set below 60. That may have explained why even my toes felt
frostbitten. I had to teach a Music Theory class but there were only 6 kids and
all I had to do was hand out a worksheet and instruct them to work on their
scales. They did it. And, again, judging by all the trophies on
display and the posters hung up around the room, music is really big at this
school. One student, who I am pretty
sure identified as homosexual, came in and spilled coffee all over the floor
(guess he didn’t see the sign on the door that read, “Absolutely NO food or
drink in music room!”) He was wearing
funky overalls and a floral shirt which first tipped me off that he might be
batting for the other team. I watched
him for awhile and his mannerisms were distinctly more feminine, too. But, unlike the student at Pville I had a few
weeks ago, he didn’t announce his sexual preferences to me, so I could be
wrong, I guess.
Anyway, that was my school day. I was originally scheduled to work as an
associate at Pville tomorrow and Friday.
Before I had my license to teach, I was asked to take these days and was
committed to keeping them. Well, Monday,
I got called by Kville for some dates and was asked if I was free Friday. I told them no. Shortly after that, the secretary from Pville
texted me very apologetically to cancel Thurs. and Fri. The normal associate was supposed to be out
of town, but her plans had changed. So I
texted Kville and asked if they were still looking for someone for Friday. They were and I will be teaching a 5th
grade class all day long. And then
yesterday, Pville texted me, needing a business teacher for Thurs in the high
school. So that is what I will be doing
tomorrow. And now I’ll be earning twice
as much money as if the two associate sub dates had not fallen through. Of course, I’ll be working a lot harder, too!
Immediately after work yesterday I had to head to the
administration building in Kville to fill out paperwork. And then I had a meeting with Ben’s team just
a few blocks away. And then he and I and
his head staff person headed over to Ben’s new house so I could see that. And then I had to go to Walmart. And while I was in there it just hit me how tired I was. But then David called and asked if he could
heat up leftovers for their supper, which was my plan anyway. And then I asked if they could handle doing
the dishes because the dishwasher repairman was coming today and I wanted him
to have a clean space in which to work. When I pulled in the driveway, they were
drying the last dish. Nice.
I’m fighting a cold right now which is greatly contributing
to my fatigue – runny nose, body aches, sore throat, etc. It’s not enough to put me in bed, but it sure
is wearing me out. I'm glad I didn't have to work today - although, the day was busy enough without it.
The kids rode the bus home yesterday and were home alone for
about an hour before David arrived. I
started getting texts from Lizzie about Ellie’s behavior. At one point she even referred to her sister
as a “psycho maniac” which made me laugh. Sounds about right! Actually, if I had finished this post last
week like I had intended I would have written about how good Ellie was being for the last 2 weeks. I would have also written about how suspicious I was and how I was looking at
her side-eyed, wondering what her angle was and waiting for the other shoe to
drop. I knew an abrupt change like what
she was evidencing was bound to not last.
And it didn’t. Ellie
told me last night that well, she just has “anger issues” and, “I just couldn’t
control myself.” But see, those kind of
terms are a way of distancing herself from her actions. So I told her very firmly that no, she had a
filthy heart full of sin – that’s all.
And then I went on to remind her that that dirty heart is why Jesus had
to die for her and it’s that same dirty heart that has put distance between
herself and God and herself and me now. I
just have to keep redirecting her attention back to the one thing that really
matters. I read a really good quote last
night by Linda Rice, who is the author of that book that has been changing my
parenting. She says, “Whether our
children give grounds for joy or grief,there is something more important than
the outcome and more important than whether we are happy or sad. While we rightly
desire that our children trust and obey God, our central focus must not be on
how they turn out so much as whether we parented to please God. We cannot make
our children change, but we can obey the Lord ourselves. Loving and obeying God
is a parent’s first priority.”
I’m learning.
Comments
Post a Comment