Thursday
It’s the first afternoon of Christmas Break and I’ve already
had to give the kids the “You can make this best break ever or the longest
break of your lives…” speech. It may not
be long for them, but it sure may be for me!
I could have worked this afternoon. I got a call from Kville about an hour and
half before I needed to go get my kids from school (early out today). In the span of a few seconds I had to figure
out whether or not I could make arrangements for them to ride the bus and if
they would potentially kill each other in the 2 hours they’d be home alone. I turned them down. Yes, it would have been extra money, but the
hassle of making last-minute alternative arrangements, plus the fact that I had
no make-up on and am so, so tired today – wasn’t worth it. I subbed twice this week at Pville – one day
as a social studies teacher in the high school (plus a period in the psych
class) and another as the lower elementary special education teacher. Last week I was a high school computer
teacher one day and an elementary PE teacher another.
So, it’s good. This
is why I finished my degree and spent all that money and made those
sacrifices. And now I’m getting grief
from David and sometimes Sam nearly every time I sub. The girls don’t seem to care one
way or the other. They say I’m never
home and I am “sacrificing my family” (David).
Ugh! It’s frustrating because the
reason I have made the decision to sub is FOR the benefit of my family. They do not know our finances and the need
for me to bring in more income. I could
have chosen to work full time outside the home but because of the kids I am
limiting myself to subbing so I can be there for them. It’s change and it’s hard and it’s not what
it used to be when I was home and so, I get that. I don’t think they realize
how blessed we were that with the insurance money and Social Security, I was
able to be home full time for the first few years. A little appreciation would go a long way to
making these changes easier on me!
Enough complaining.
I’m really tired. I think a good
night’s sleep and getting to check off some of the things on my to-do list will
be helpful for my attitude and outlook – it generally is.
**********************
I’ve had a few hard days with subbing (a certain 3rd
grade class immediately comes to mind) but, overall, I am really enjoying
it. I like the variety, I like that some days I am basically sitting
for most of the day catching up on my reading (balanced by days where I have to
tell myself to slow down on my water intake because there may not be a free
moment for a bathroom break later!). I like that there is always a possibility
of an unexpected day off and I like that principals and school secretaries act really grateful towards me! I’m also liking meeting kids with interesting
names. One day I had a little boy named,
“Iggy.” I had to ask him what that was short for – “Ignatius” was his
answer. I guess that makes sense. I hope he has a grandfather or an uncle or
somebody that made it worth conferring that moniker on a helpless child…I have
had several “Braxton”s which always makes me think of Braxton-Hicks
contractions. One day I had a “Wiley”
and all day long I thought of him as “Wile E. Coyote.” I had a little boy named “McKale” too –
interesting spelling of what I assume is supposed to be “Mikael.” I also had a “Dale” one day – I loved
that. I love, love, love those old
names. I’ve noticed an increase in the
popularity of “Glen” for little boys, too,
which I think is adorable.
Anyway, I’ve got no shortage of names now to delight me and feed my
curiosity!
**************************
The kids had their Christmas program a couple of weeks
ago. It was exactly what I
expected. All 3 of mine had speaking
parts and they all did well. But the
whole program was so pointless and totally
without depth. I wouldn’t tell my kids this, but I felt like I was really wasting my time that
night. That same evening, a post came
through my FB feed of the Christian school from where I graduated, decades
ago. Their Christmas program had been
that same evening and a representative of the school had posted the students
standing up front on stage singing “Silent Night” while the audience joined in
– just beautiful and such a far cry from my own kids’ program experience that
night. But we are where we are and until
God directs me otherwise, I will continue to sit through these inane semblances
of Christmas celebrations. My mom sent
me a hilarious “Baby Blues” cartoon this week.
I’ve read it about 20 times already and it makes me laugh every time. Hammy tells his mom, “Our class it putting on
a show!” To which she responds, “Fun!”
And then the boy hands her an information sheet that she reads out loud:
Come one, come all to the vaguely
festive, nondenominational winter-ish gathering…Hammy then quips, “You can
get in for half price if you’re easily offended.”
*********************
On Dec. 7th, Sam came home from school and a
little while after getting home, suddenly burst into the room, exclaiming, “I
can’t believe I forgot it’s Pearl Harbor Day!” I found out he’s been watching
war videos on YouTube. One day he made
me sit down and watch two videos about this obscure WWI battle between the
Russians and Germans. He was fascinated
by the story (which I had never before heard) about how the Germans used
chemical weapons, thinking they had killed all the Russians and were stunned
the next day when the Russians, covered in bloody cloths as they coughed up
their lungs, advanced on them and got the victory. He just loves this stuff. A year ago I gave him an Usborne book on WWI
and 2 and he’s always got his nose buried in that thing. There could be worse habits, I guess! Maybe he’ll be like his brother and get a
degree in history…
*********************
A couple of weeks ago one of the moms at the school got
arrested…because she defecated outside the door of the elementary school. How…what…why??? From what I hear, it wasn’t like she was sick
and had an unavoidable, runny accident.
She dropped her daughter off and then shucked her pants and did the deed
– getting caught on security. I don’t
really even know what else to say. Other
than, this is an indication of the crude levels to which our society has
fallen. I’ve been bothered for years
about how poop has become “cute.” You
see poo shaped pillows and notepads and on clothing and etc. and while it is
supposed to be cute, it’s really not. I
remember hearing not too long ago on the news about a case – it may have been
here in Iowa, I’m not sure – where a school was continually finding human
excrement on their track. Eventually, they set up a camera and figured out that
it was the principal of their rival team.
I do not understand the mindset that would even consider such an action!
I don’t know – perhaps this is a sign of my advancing age more than anything. Or maybe it's just that I remember a time when people carried a certain amount of privacy and dignity in their persons.
************************
Well, Christmas Break is well underway. The girls were getting nastier and nastier
with each other tonight until I finally told them to get in the showers and
we’re going to bed early. They went
upstairs to get their pjs and before I knew it Ellie was screaming at the top
of her lungs that Lizzie had attempted to push her down the stairs and Lizzie
was protesting that she hadn’t even touched her sister. Sigh…Sam then commented to me that it might
be nice if kids could have their own lawyers to settle these kinds of things. Then he thought a little bit more and said,
“But since we can’t count on either girl to always tell the truth we just have
to go by the fact that Ellie has a past criminal record and go off of
that.” That boy cracks me up!
****************************
Ellie is now having to use deodorant. She started stinking! This is the same age Lizzie was when she
needed it. It makes me wonder, even
though Ellie is quite a bit smaller, if she will end up with the precocious
puberty, too. Sam keeps sniffing his
armpits, hoping to have a reason to deodorize, but so far, he just smells like
a little boy.
*************************
Another racist incident at school last week for Lizzie. This time in PE, Lizzie asked an obnoxious
classmate to quit his screaming. He
immediately retorted, “Gonna make me?” And then before Lizzie could respond he added,
“Oh, that’s right. You can’t because
you’re black!” And he repeated himself. I contacted the teacher and she made the kid
apologize the next day. I’d prefer my
pound of flesh, but I guess you take what you can get. Lizzie kept insisting to me that her feelings
weren’t hurt by this; she just thought the kid was rude. Well, he was rude, but he was also being
racist. I don’t want either girl looking
for offense, but they need to recognize racism when they encounter it, too.
************************
This last time I saw my counselor we dealt with the subject
of the Heywoods. In preparation for this,
I had been asked to write out some thoughts on forgiveness in regards to
them. And then, the doctor read my
summary, which really dealt more with my feelings than it even did with all the
offenses by these people. She put down
my notebook and said “Sarah, what these people have done to you is nothing
short of pure evil.” It felt somewhat validating to hear her
say that, especially since she is someone with no skin in the game and because
I respect her opinion so much. It’s been
so easy throughout this ordeal to second guess myself and to question my
motives. I’ve had to battle anger. And overriding everything has just been this
grief at losing that side of the family, especially Paul’s mom – grief at the
loss of relationship and grief over the realization that the relationship I
thought we had, we probably never did. And there’s some real sadness, too, in
realizing that as much as they claim to love my children and me – they don’t,
not really.
My counselor said it appears I have done absolutely everything possible to remedy this situation. My heart is right and it's been out of my hands for a long, long time now. But it still makes me sad.
Friday
It’s been a day…
I didn’t get half the stuff (or even a fourth) done I had
intended. All day long I was dealing
with Ellie. We had an incident where I
found an empty can of an energy drink in my fridge. Jonathan had left it here last weekend,
unopened. She lied and lied and lied
about it. It was one of those things
where I didn’t actually catch her in the act but because of her past history of
lying, I was pretty sure it was her, anyway.
Finally, when I began removing items from her bedroom because of her
refusal to tell the truth she confessed –
only to tell me later that she was actually lying then because she wanted me to
leave her stuff alone. It is enough to
drive a person completely insane! There’s always the chance that I could be
wrong on this and therefore, I’m bullying my child into confessing something
she never did, but the chances are really, really high that it’s just another
lie in a long history of lying. On a
good day, I remind myself that God created me to be her mother and as such, is
equipping me for the job. But today is
not a good day. Today I feel defeated
and wrong and fearful of the future and more than a little hopeless.
It’s just been a hard month all around. I have been surprised by the sadness I have
felt over Paul. It’s a sadness that
really isn’t around a whole lot any longer – maybe around our anniversary or
his death date, but that’s about it. But
this month it has just been more present and lasting. Logically, I know that grief has no timetable
and things like the holidays are a typical time for its resurgence. But I still feel a bit like a failure, like I
should be past this. I should be stronger. And yet – if someone else were telling me
these things I would be so quick to tell them to be gentle on themselves. But I’m not willing to do that for myself.
But I did buy myself a new Vera Bradley wallet tonight, so I
guess that was kind of a nice thing to do for me! My old one was getting pretty battered. And it was 70% off, which is about the only
way I’ll buy anything VB.
And I also finally got into my massage therapist today. My plan was to alternate months between her
and chiropractor, which I did do for awhile.
But I got so busy this fall and I really didn’t want to spend the
money. I should have. I have been in a lot of pain lately. Today’s session was especially good. It wasn’t all that relaxing – it felt more
like physical therapy than a massage.
But the therapist explained that when I hurt my back two years ago it
probably never healed right and because of that I’ve been walking differently
which has put more pressure on my lower back and is causing the continued
pain. So she did a lot of different
things today to my lower back and now I’ve got this therapeutic tape running up
and down my back that I’m supposed to wear for the next week. She printed out some exercises for me to do
every day and I’m really going to do my best to incorporate them into my
day. I didn’t realize it was possible to
feel better. I had just gotten used to
managing the pain. She seemed like she
really cares about me feeling better and told me she plans to call me in the
next day or two to check in and see how I’m doing. So, I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep
up on my appointments with her and the chiropractor. I’ve been toying with the idea of buying an
exercise bike for awhile. After talking to
her today I’m wondering if maybe I should look for an incumbent bike
instead. From what I’m reading those are
better for those with back issues and you can keep your hands free (all the
better for reading). You just don’t get
quite as good of a cardio workout as you do with a regular exercise bike. But I think my heart is still pretty healthy
right now, anyway.
*********************
I want to end on a positive note. It’s so easy to focus on the negative. In my (single moms) small group this week our
leader was sharing her recent experiences of caring for her elderly dad who
just had a mild heart attack. They had
received some pretty discouraging news in the hospital and her dad, whom they
thought was getting released one day, ended up having to stay for several more.
She said as they were in the hospital room the cleaning lady came in and was
kind of talking to herself. But Laura,
our group leader, heard her say something about “blessings” and asked her to
repeat it. The cleaning lady, who was
African, I believe she said, in her broken English, then repeated, “All around us
are thousands of blessings.” Laura was telling
us what an encouragement that simple phrase had been to her ever since and I
have found that I have been pondering the thought since she shared Wed.
night. And really, there are thousands of blessings around me. Some are in the way my needs are provided –
my warm, paid-for house, my vehicles, all my little comforting possessions, my
children, my friends…some are around my Christmas tree this year. I was contacted a few weeks ago by Single
Parent Provision who told me that a church
in Des Moines wanted a few families to bless this year with Christmas gifts and
the staff at SPP thought of us and asked for Christmas gift ideas and so
Wednesday, David drove out to their offices
while I was working and brought home gift after gift for us, all
beautifully wrapped and now under my tree.
I feel guilty about that – there are people struggling to meet their
basic needs and yet we are the ones
blessed? And then I am part of an
on-line group of single mothers and every year the leaders host an “adopt a
family” event at Christmas and they don’t always have enough sponsors for every
family. But this year they did. Last Saturday two big boxes of goodies were
delivered to my house for the girls – stuffed with candy and dolls and make-up
and toys and books and all the little things that make little girls happy. And then this week I received a card from
Lone Tree, Iowa (I had never heard of
Lone Tree, Iowa) and I opened up the card to a letter that started, “Dear Sarah
– you don’t know me, but I was a single mother for a very long time…” And out
fell $300 from the card.
We have been given so, so much. This year I have found myself beginning to
long for the day when I can be the person sending money or wrapping gifts for
families I’ll never meet. I do not know
why God has continued to bless us like He has.
Except, maybe it goes back to that old phrase I’ve heard, “Blessed to be
a blessing.” Maybe my experiences of
receiving so much generosity means that someday I’ll be able to give out of my
experiences – hopefully, financially, but also in other ways. That’s one good thing that can come from
this. And beyond even that, I suppose it’s
the continued recognition of God’s care as evidenced through the hands of
others. And that’s one thing I pointed
out to the children when we got home from school Wed and they were oohing and
ahhing over the extra gifts under the tree.
They wanted to know who gave them to us and for that moment I said only,
“God.
They came from God.”
Later, I explained about the unknown church wanting to bless
someone they didn’t even know. But for
that moment, they just needed to hear who the gifts were really from.
These are the things that I have to remember in the crunch
and grind of my daily life – when my back hurts and my sore throat keeps coming
back. When I have ungrateful and
non-understanding children. When I can’t
do it all and I don’t get credit for the little bit I can do. When I find out my electric bill just shot up
$30 a month and when the state of my bank account panics me. When I’m lonely and think that maybe I should
be looking a little harder for a replacement husband. When third graders think that having a
substitute teacher means they don’t have to sit down and shut up. When my 7 year old has no apparent interest
in building a good relationship with me.
When the principal texts me in the middle of my day because my 10 year
just got nailed doing stuff on her school computer she wasn’t supposed to. When the thought of growing older all alone
scares me. When another friend has
announced her impending divorce and I just feel so, so sad. When my cats are
making my suspended ceiling bulge because they’re so fat and like to get up in
there and walk. When my 5 year old
carpet is starting to buckle. When my
child refuses to get out of the car for school because I didn’t drop her off in
the pick up line like she wanted. When
life happens…
God is there providing
Thousands of blessings.
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